“Breathe.”

“Inhale.”

“Exhale.”

The instructor repeated this mantra every few moments as the class settled into the next 75 minutes of vinyasa yoga.  “Think of something you’re grateful for.  Hold that image to your heart.  Be grateful for what you imagine.”

The first image that materializes is one of my family and Kristin in San Diego.  We had gone down to visit everyone.  It was a warm weekend but typical southern California weather.  We spent the day wandering around Balboa Park, drinking coffee, walking, and playing with Shiloh, my 4 year old niece.

I’m still fairly new to yoga but breathing has always been something I try to be mindful of, while I workout.  Throughout the day I find myself holding my breath or taking shallow breaths instead of really inhaling and filling my lungs.  Having short breath creates tension and does not allow the blood to be properly oxygenated.  This usually results in fatigue, poor posture, or exhaustion.

I’ve been exhausted.  For the last three months, Kristin and I have talked about divorce (and are following through) and all I’ve been doing since she moved out, has been holding my breath.  I’ve been hopeful we’d figure things out.  Hopeful that she’d be waiting at home, the home we began building together.  I don’t want to blame anyone, be angry, or upset.  I’m just sad and heart broken.  I’m tired.

My own therapist has said this experience will feel particularly painful for me because of my particular emotional background and upbringing.  It does feel painful.  It feels awful.  I can’t run off the pain or the hurt.  It goes wherever I go.  It follows me and keeps me up at night.  It’s changed my appetite, my mood, and to a certain degree my physical appearance.

I don’t like this version of myself.  I want to go back to being a happy-go-lucky guy with a happy marriage.  I can’t go back to that and it’s hard.  I really loved being married to Kristin.

Our lives have changed and I have to accept that.  I have to be grateful for change, grateful for my friends, family, and coworkers who have reached out, lended an ear, or a shoulder for me.  I have to be grateful to have had the limited time with my wife.  Even though I can’t be married to someone I love dearly, I’ve found a lot of love from everyone around me.  For that I’m grateful.

As one of my favorite songs go, “Just breathe.”

So as the days go on, I’ll keep breathing.

Inhale.

Exhale.